hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
