Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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