billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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