I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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