No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
PS: I just woke up from my shower
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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