If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
