I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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