The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
