Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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