my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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