Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
