dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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