Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
