two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
