theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
