you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
