Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
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