shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
is that a dick in a sweater?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
