mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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