Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
