Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
