she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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