if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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