I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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