the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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