i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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