Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
