remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
