some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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