Just cropdusted the office
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
