and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
