i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
