I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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