Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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