Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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