Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
