Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
no, he came in my armpit
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
