I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
