A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
