I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
