the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
