you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
