Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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