Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
