The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
