I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
