I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Randomize
