I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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