I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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