I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
