not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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